Clients From Hell
I was contacted to do a branding project for a client who sold fruit juice locally. He came to my office and presented me with a storyboard of how the introduction animation for his website should run: The first few slides show a banana, pineapple, peach and strawberry happily dancing and cheering as they walk around in circles. About three or four slides in, they all jump into a working blender and their juices splatter all over the screen. The last slide is just their logo slowly fading in. He was dead serious.
Clients From Hell
Me: “Here are the designs, and, with your approval, we’ll code them and put them up in a couple of days.”
Client: “Why aren’t they up now?”
Me: “We require client approval before we put up the final product, in order to make any changes.”
Client: “I wanted it up yesterday.”
Me: “Well, this is the first time that we’ve had a chance to meet in person and go over the designs.”
Client: “But I wanted it put up yesterday.”
Me: “I had emailed these to you for approval, but you never responded.”
Client: “I thought you would just put it up.”
Me: “Not without your approval, sir.”
Client: “Well, put it up.”
A week later.
Client: “You know what, there are a few changes I need you to make… I can’t believe you put that up.”
Clients from Hell
Client: A contact has a friend thats tight with Google so he’ll get us to the top ranking.
Me: I don’t think it works like that.
Client: Don’t worry, we have it covered. My friend’s friend is tight with that Zakenburger kid from Myspace.
Clients from Hell
Client: “I need to know the exact amount of time it took you and that is what I will pay you for.”
Me: “I am sorry, but I told you that I work by the hour. I don’t work by the minute.”
Client: ”I will pay you for the minutes it took you and not the hour. How long did it take you?”
Me: “60 minutes.”
Clients From Hell
Me: So, including [multiple project specifics], this project will run about $XXX.
Client: That’s way too much! I can find someone on Craigslist to do it for 1/10th that.
Client: This is a really easy job. It shouldn’t take more than an hour or two if you know what you’re doing. There’s no reason to try to rip me off. I’ll pay you $X.
Me: I’m sorry, that’s really not possible. However, thank you for considering me for the project, and I’m sure that you’ll find someone more compatible with your budget.
Client: So, what? You’re saying you won’t do it for $X? Do you want to stay in your house?
Clients From Hell
CEO: ”Hi Michael, we wanted to talk to you in person (over the phone) to resolve the question of payment.”
Me: “OK.”
CEO: ”Let’s forget all of the stuff that has gone on in the past with this project. Let me put {Accountant) on the phone.”
Accountant: ”What we’d like to do is offer to pay $XXX for the project. Based on what you billed us we think $XXX is a fair amount, minus what we’ve already paid you, minus the recruiter fee.”
Me: “So you’re ‘offering’ to pay me half of what is still owed on the bill for the work you hired me to do.”
Accountant: ”Well, based on the total cost we’re willing to pay, minus the recruiter fee…”
Me: ”A simple yes or no, will suffice. If you owe me $XXXX and are ‘willing’ to pay $XXX, if my math is correct, and I believe it is, I can redo it on my calculator if you’d like, you’re ‘willing’ to pay me half. Even though I rushed the work and everyone was thrilled with it.”
CEO: ”Well… yes, I guess, you could say that is half…”
Me: ”I do.”
CEO: ”Look, I’m sure you just want to put this behind you…”
Me: ”Actually, no. I want to be paid in full.”
CEO: ”Well, this is all we’re willing to pay.”
Me: “You know you signed a contract right?”
Accountant: “Well, we had several conversations via email and in person about this…”
Me: ”Yes, in each you tried to weasel you’re way out of paying me…”
CEO: ”I think this is a fair compromise.”
Me: ”I think you’ll be hearing from my lawyers.”
Clients From Hell
After developing a short animation piece for a client, I send them an invoice for $800. I originally gave the client an estimate of $750.
Client: “I have a problem with this invoice. I agreed to $750; this is for $800.”
Me: “Perhaps, but I gave you an estimate, not a quote.”
Client: “We’ll have to talk about this.”
Me: “I told you the cost would be “around $750”, and it’s just $50 off based on the hours required after a few of your revisions. I’d say that’s a pretty good estimate.”
Client: “We’ll have to talk about this.”
Clients from Hell
Client: ”I was thinking that I could pay you in Groceries.”
Me: (Laughter) “You’re joking right?”
Client: ”I don’t see what is so hilarious here sir.”
Me: ”I apologize, honestly sir, that is one of the most ridiculous methods of payment I have ever heard.”
Client: ”Really? I think it is quite sane.”
Me: ”Well, are you talking about like a grocery store gift card?”
Client: ”No, I just came into the wealth of $300 of carrots and $450 of potatoes.”
